Author Topic: Only humour .. jokes (Read 7352 times)

mayur47 · « **on:** September 15, 2008, 03:35 AM »

1. Where was the first potato found?

Ans: In the ground.

2. What comes down but never goes up?

Ans: rain.

3. If three cats kill three rats in three minutes, how long will it take hundred cats to kill hundred rats?

Ans: three minutes.

4. What can fly but has no wings?

Ans: Time.

5. What always goes 2 sleeps wearing its shoes?

Ans: Horse.

6. I m like a ribbon, tied by nature, across the sky, what m I?

Ans: Rainbow.

7. How would u write nineteen that if one is taken out, then its remains twenty.

Ans: XIX when one is taken out, its remains XX.

8. There were ten sparrows sitting on a tree. A hunter fired and tow of them fell dead. How many sparrows were left on the tree? Ans: Non.

9. Two sons and two fathers went hunting. They succeeded in hunting one pigeon each on counting it was found that they were only three pigeons. How is that?

Ans: They were only three persons, son father and grandfather.

10. Which is the hardest key to turn?

Ans: Donkey.

11. which part of London in France?

Ans: -N-

12: why ur nose is not twelve inches long?

Ans: Because then it would be a foot.

13. What r the largest ant in the world?

Ans: Elephant.

14.what is the easiest way to get to heaven quickly?

Ans: just stand in front of the fast moving car

15. Where do fish keep their money?

Ans: at the river bank.

16. Which sea has waves but no water?

Ans: BBC.

17. What do u calls an Arabian milkman?

Ans: milk shaikh.

18. Which is the most shocking city in the world?

Ans: electricity.

19. Why Pakistani cricket team given cigarette lighter?

Ans: because they lost all their matches.

20. Which fish lives in heaven?

Ans: Angel fish.

21. What do u calls a sleeping bull?

Ans: A bulldozer.

22. Bengali who talks much

Ans: Chatter-jee

23. Director of ISRO satellite preparing to take off

Ans: B. Reddy

24. One who can't be steady after a drink

Ans: P. K. Girpade

25. A Konkani Bharthnaatyam Dancer

Ans: Thaka. Dhimi.

mayur47 · « **Reply #1 on:** October 09, 2008, 11:35 PM »

Wife: kaash main newspaper hoti dinbhar tumhare hathon me rehti.
Hus: meri bhi yahi dua hai rab se issi bahane her din nayi nayi to milti.

A child uses its thumb 2 chew,
an illiterate uses his thumb 2 sign,
a winner uses his thumb 2 show victory,
but a monkey is using his thumb 2 read this sms.

Ek sardar exame dene gaya to apnay saath palumber ko saath le kar gaya.
guess karo kyun le kar gaya?
aray yaar simple hai us ko yeh news mili thi k paper leage ho gaya. ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ek Sardar Apna Marriage Certificate ku 1 hour sae Dekh raha tha.
Begam Ai Booli, Tusi inni Dair Say Kia Dekh Rahe Hu?
Sardar Bola, Expiry Date Dekh raha hoon......

Apple Kat ta hoon knife se,
Paani peeta hoon pipe se,
Kya zamana aaa gaya,
Joote khata hoon wife se.

Maine tumhare yadon mein,
ro ro ke tub bhar diya,
Magar tum itne bewafa nikle,
ki naha dho ke chal diye.

mayur47 · « **Reply #2 on:** October 09, 2008, 11:44 PM »

The Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies :

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail
to get the position.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain
removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send
me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail
will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing
system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a
reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your
PC for my response.

10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to
leave me any messages.

11: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE :

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of
'Steve'.

mayur47 · « **Reply #3 on:** October 10, 2008, 12:57 AM »

Sardar: I haven?t slept all night in the train.
Friend: Y?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Y didn?t u Exchanged?
Sardar: oye, there was nobody 2 Exchange in the lower berth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
Sardar tells a girl "Come 2 my house at night, nobody will b there............. Girl goes at night & really nobody was there

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
Sardar had twins; he named them Tin Martin.
Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater.
Again twins & named Max & Climax.
Again the same. Disgusted Sardar named them TIRED&RETIRED!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
Sardar gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, and sits on the branch regularly.
A man asks why he does this.
Sardar: "I've been promoted as branch manager."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!

mayur47 · « **Reply #4 on:** October 10, 2008, 01:01 AM »

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end
& a fool at the other.

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals
are more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor
degree and a woman gains her master.

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the
minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number
present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is
defeated by feminine water-power ...................

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens &
everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling
you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home
life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc...: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be
spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that
you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally
falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in
midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO,
Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got
caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
Confidence after.

30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with
his bills.

31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such
mails............................................. ...............

mayur47 · « **Reply #5 on:** October 10, 2008, 01:09 AM »

CUSTOMER CARE IN 2020

Operator : "Thank you for calling Hunger-Helpline. Pizza house is celebrating 25 years of Pizza making in India. On the occasion of our silver anniversary, May I offer.."

Customer: "Hello, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold........ ..on..... .889861356102049 998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Brajesh Sharma and you're calling from 4th Floor, Eternity Apartments,3rd Cross 4th main, Opp AC market, Tardeo Road Mumbai, India........ Your home number is 0000 0000, your office 000000 and your mobile is 00000000. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your famous Meat extravaganza with extra cheese and Pepperoni ...."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Chicken Shredded Salad or Fresh Garden Salad with iodized salt. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular low diet Dishes" from the University Library (Kalina campus) last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is 2700 ( Service tax and delivery charges inclusive )"

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card / Debit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe ICUCI Bank Rs.495,000 since October last year.

That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, through HDCF home-own loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Hero Majestic Moped .. ."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system, you still own a Red 1974 Vintage Moped ,...registration number MRP3454..."

Customer: " ?"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic.... .... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$%^

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 11th Nov 2001 you were convicted for using abusive language on a policeman who stopped you for driving through a one way, in fact you were driving a 1999 Cielo bearing registration number MH02AZ 4767.......

Customer: [Faints]

mayur47 · « **Reply #6 on:** October 10, 2008, 01:13 AM »

Chilly Question & Ans.

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?

Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

*********

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

*********

Manager: Sorry, but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help.

Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this
case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

*********

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?

Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

*********

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!

Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

*********

Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!

Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

*********

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.

Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

*********

Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!

Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep
it.

*********

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!

Son: That's why I say she's no good!

************ **

mayur47 · « **Reply #7 on:** October 10, 2008, 01:15 AM »

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One liners -- Hidden meanings in Company talk

Today's Professional Management FUNDAS

1."We will do it" means "You will do it"

2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"

3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"

4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"

5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"

7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"

8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"

9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"

11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

13."We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"

14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted.. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."

15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"

16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble"

mayur47 · « **Reply #8 on:** October 15, 2008, 01:39 AM »

Jo sadiyaon se hota aaya hai
woh repeat kar doonga...
Tu naa mili to tujhko dil sey
Ctrl+Alt+delete kar doonga...
************ *******
Company kee ladkiyaan sunder hain
aur lonely hain...
Problem ye hai ki bus voh
READ-ONLY hain...
************ *******
Shayad mere pyar ko taste
karna bhool gaye...
Dil sey aisa CUT kiya
ke PASTE karna bhool gaye...
************ *******
Tumhare samne hain itney items
kabhi hame bhi pick karo...
Hamare pyar ke ICON pe
kabhi to tum DOUBLE-CLICK karo...
************ *******
Roz subha hum karte hai
itne pyar se unhe good morning...
woh humhe ghoor kar dekhte hain
jaise 0 ERRORS but 5 WARNINGS...
************ *******
Ho gayi galti humse, click ho gaya mouse
Duniya ki parwaah chhodo, ban jaao meri spouse!
************ *******
Tumse mila main kal to, mere dil mein hua ek sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili to kehti ho: Your file not found!
************ *******
Ab aur kaho na tum, "but" ya "if"
Tum ho meri zindagi ki animated gif
************ *******
Ghar se nikalti ho tum jab, pehen ke evening gown
Too many requests se, ho jaata hai server down
************ *******
Tumhaare liye pyaar ki application, create main
karoonga
Tum usse debug karna, wait main karoonga
************ *******
Tumhaara intezaar karte karte, main so gaya
Yeh dekho mera connection, time out ho gaya
************ *******
Kya chaal hai tumhaari, jaise chalti hai koi cat
What is your ICQ number, aao karein chat
************ *******
Tum jabse meri zindagi mein, aayi ho banke female
Yaad raha na ab kuch, na postman , na e-Mail.

mayur47 · « **Reply #9 on:** October 15, 2008, 01:55 AM »

Ek Larki Ko Dekha To Aisa Laga

Doosri Larki Ko Dekha To Vaisa Laga

Jab Dono Ne Joote Maarey...To Ek Jaisa Laga!!!

********
1 barsat ki raat

-ek bhigi ladki,

-bhiga badan,

-bhigi zulfe,

-bhige hoth,

-Hum dono ki nazare mili,

-use dekhke aisa laga ki

.

.

.

Kal use 100 % sardi hogi!
************************************************** ****************
Pyar karnevale

PARESAN ho jate he

Shadi karnevale

SHARABI ho jate he,

Divorce denevale

DEVDAS ho jate he,

Ham se Dosti karnevale

SCRAP SE MEHARBAN ho jate he
*************
I just met some1 in Cafe Coffee Day.

Real good looking,

dead smart,So delightful.

More like a celebrity.

As I walked nearer,

DAMN SAINT GOBAIN mirror.

It was me!!
**********
Q.Why doesnt a donkey eat grass??

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

A.Anyways...its ur personal matter

& I should not interfere in it.

mayur47 · « **Reply #10 on:** October 15, 2008, 02:02 AM »

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOM! AN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the
other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of
the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

2)Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the
sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need
it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would ! you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called
current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".

Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

7)Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David : "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's
performance repeated".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10)Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of
ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the
tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and
at the same time."

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student : " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Only humour .. jokes