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Author Topic: Random Jokes :)  (Read 2552 times)

Offline Frenchy

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Random Jokes :)
« on: June 29, 2012, 03:17 PM »
My grandpa likes to send me funny jokes so I thought I'd share.


High Urinals


A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
 
On somewhat of a hiatus due to a new job... :)
 

Offline Frenchy

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Offline Frenchy

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2012, 03:19 PM »

THE OLDER CROWD


A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

***********************
An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I LOVE IT!)

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
To hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
********************

When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------

One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
---------------------------------
Two guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
' The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'
(ADORABLE)
*********************
On somewhat of a hiatus due to a new job... :)
 

Offline Frenchy

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2012, 03:20 PM »
Night Nurse

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a
Rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....Some asshole's got my pen!'
 
On somewhat of a hiatus due to a new job... :)
 

Offline Frenchy

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2012, 03:24 PM »
Christmas Lights


Hi  Sweetheart,
 
I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights.
 
I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something.
 
I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed  guy.
 
All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season.
 
Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights!
 
I took the time to hang the lights for you today and now I will  be off to the golf course.
 
Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday.
 
I'll be home later.
 
Love  you…
   
   
On somewhat of a hiatus due to a new job... :)
 

Offline Frenchy

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2012, 03:28 PM »
Golf


He left home around 8:30 to play golf with his friends.
 
On the way out the door, he answered his wife's, “What time will you be
home?” question with “Probably around 1:30 - I'll have lunch at the club.”
 
1:30 came and went, 3:00 passed, 6:15… still not home.

Finally at about 7:00 p.m. he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the
garage, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story…

“We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch and I started home, when
alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I
stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash
my hands.
 
“She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow
her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they
have a restroom, you can clean up a bit.
 
“I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and
I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a
good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel
next door having sex. And that’s why I am so late getting home.”

His wife looked him right in the eye and said. “Don't bullshit me! You
played 36 holes, didn't you?!”
On somewhat of a hiatus due to a new job... :)
 

Offline Frenchy

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2012, 03:33 PM »
Two Clever Nuns


There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logicalarrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.




And the Moral of the Story is:
LOGIC BEATS MATH ANYTIME.
And Math cannot survive without Logic.
On somewhat of a hiatus due to a new job... :)
 

Offline hudasee

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2012, 01:13 AM »
Husband banned from Target

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Wrath to Butch: That's you. You shall be called the Black Dagger warrior Dhestroyer....
Rhage: But you'll always be Butch to us, as well as hard-ass. Smart-ass. Royal pain in the ass... I think as long as there's an ASS in there, it'll be accurate.
Zhadist: How about bASStard?

^LOL :P
 

Offline KaedexAnis

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2012, 02:01 AM »
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Two Clever Nuns


There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logicalarrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.




And the Moral of the Story is:
LOGIC BEATS MATH ANYTIME.
And Math cannot survive without Logic.

Hahaha..dis one was awsum! :D :D :)
i DiN't AsK tO bE a PrInCeSs BuT, hEy If ThE cRoWn FiTs! :P =P
 

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2013, 02:16 PM »
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother


Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.

"Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."

"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."
 

WebUser

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2013, 12:04 AM »
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

Your fanny should be called Jasmine cause it's always got Aladdin

I can't move to Orlando because Mickey Mouse is 100 yrs old and he still plays with kids

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.



« Last Edit: February 25, 2013, 12:10 AM by ✞♫Bookie♫✞ »
 

Offline Chey

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #10 on: February 25, 2013, 12:11 AM »
If girls with big boobs work at hooters, where do girls with one leg work at?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

 :D :D :D :D :D :D
 

Offline Frenchy

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #11 on: February 25, 2013, 11:25 AM »
The Current Bad Weather

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who lives in Northern Michigan near Lake Superior.
 
He said that since early this morning the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling.
 
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the North wind is increasing to near gale force.
 
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
 
He says that if it gets any worse he may have to let her in.
 
On somewhat of a hiatus due to a new job... :)
 

Offline Frenchy

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #12 on: February 25, 2013, 11:26 AM »
Some people just don't appreciate artistic works.

Well, the Church ladies removed my cookies from the bake

sale..... again!

I don't know what their problem is -- I just used
a dog bone cookie cutter...
...cut them in half, and decorated them!

I thought they looked rather cute!!
They have no sense of humor.
On somewhat of a hiatus due to a new job... :)
 

Offline ♥love♥

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #13 on: February 25, 2013, 11:37 AM »
Holy Crap I love both of them.  :D
Those cookies are the BOMB!
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Offline Frenchy

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #14 on: February 25, 2013, 11:47 AM »
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Holy Crap I love both of them.  :D
Those cookies are the BOMB!


LOL my grandpa has such a wicked since of humor :D

The Winter Boots

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this) Did you hear about the
teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to
go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong
feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back
on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why
didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his
little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's
boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots
on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.
On somewhat of a hiatus due to a new job... :)
 

Offline Frenchy

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #15 on: February 25, 2013, 11:48 AM »
Five Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
On somewhat of a hiatus due to a new job... :)
 

Offline Frenchy

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #16 on: February 25, 2013, 11:52 AM »
Have you seen my lipstick?!

NO!
Why would you even ask me that?

I am so insulted!

Every time something goes missing around here,
Everybody looks at me!

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
On somewhat of a hiatus due to a new job... :)
 

Offline ♥love♥

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #17 on: February 25, 2013, 11:56 AM »
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Have you seen my lipstick?!

NO!
Why would you even ask me that?

I am so insulted!

Every time something goes missing around here,
Everybody looks at me!

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

How could you even get mad at that. So freakin cute  :D
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Offline Gus

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #18 on: February 25, 2013, 01:13 PM »
 :D :D :D
I'm in bed and the one with the boots made me laugh so much I cried.
And my dad( room next door) is asking me why I'm laughing like a cow !  :P
Where d'you find them, Frenchy ?
 

Offline KeyeCullen

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Re: Random Jokes :)
« Reply #19 on: February 25, 2013, 01:34 PM »
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One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother


Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.

"Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."

"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."

Best Disney joke ever!  LOL
 

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