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Author Topic: Need beta readers please!  (Read 8996 times)

Offline redandaris

Need beta readers please!
« on: December 29, 2014, 10:12 AM »
"Year 1821, Ônumos calendar

At dawn, the cell’s door opened with its usual creek.
Lounging on her bed like the careless being she was, the girl didn’t bother to move or feign surprise.
The man at the threshold glared at her. Without a doubt she knew what he wanted from her but she just kept on ignoring him, her face showing no emotion.
She wouldn't move until he told her to, it was her thing. If somebody had asked her why, she would have easily admitted that it was one of her little pleasures, being a pain in the necromancer’s neck. And it would have been a lie. Really, she didn't get any satisfaction in upsetting the magician, no more than she did eating, killing or existing. But she still did all of those things, because she could."

Enslaved as a small childby a dark magic of pain and blood , she lost everything that once mattered. Her family, her freedom, her own identity. Now working for a nameless guild as a nameless killer, the girl knows not to wish for anything, not even freedom. When she starts dreaming of an impossible future in the form of her soulmate, she can only think of fleeing. Yet she'll soon find out that she can't escape, neither her past, nor her future and the war that is coming with it."

So, that's the blurb of my would-be debut novel, The Shattering, which is set in a fantastic world. This is the part one, Anonymous, which I hope you guys will try. I'm not asking for editing but for a sincere opinion.
This is really important to me, as you can imagine, so please help out if you can.

Thanks a lot,

« Last Edit: January 04, 2015, 10:27 AM by redandaris »
"Okay. Based on what I know about zombies, the safest place to hide is in a small, dark room with creepy lighting."
Kowalski, The Penguins of Madagascar

Offline crysjarl

Re: Need beta readers please!
« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2015, 10:06 PM »
hey elodie.. i have read your story. i must say its a refreshing one...im not a prof editor or something, but i like reading books and new stories. and you have captured me with your creation of a new world... so anyway, here's what i think... you've got a great story going on..the world you have created is  certainly unique...(is it like Irish folklore)...but the way you have written your story is more on the narrative side so its kind of monotonous sometimes to read a long paragraph on and on and on ( personally i would love to have more conversation-like exchange  of the characters in the stories)...also i know its still the first part of the story but i would love to see some sparks between characters, you know emotional outbursts and such, flying sparks between romantically involve characters etc.. something you can write  like body language,or mannerism that usually readers interpret  as deep emotion without verbally saying ok shes feeling anger, or remorse or hatred and such..(.i dont know if im explaining it right?! :))... also i know you are laying the story line by explaining something of your created world- but i think its TMI- personally i would like to discover the world you have created by reading it through the characters' experiences as the story progress...i dont know if my comments help.. would love to read more of your stories.


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