Author Topic: Funny Quotes and Thoughts (Read 23984 times)

mayur47 · « **on:** October 27, 2008, 01:01 AM »

"If you can't convince them, confuse them."

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark."

"Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf."

"An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing."

"Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do?Turn out the lights!"

"I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier."

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

"When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum."

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. "

"It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week."

"Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills. Making the last car payment."

"They've finally come up with the perfect office computer.If it makes a mistake,it blames another computer."

"Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak."

"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.But not in that order"

"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."

"Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children."

"Compatible Your money fits in the salesperson's wallet."

"When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".If the bus came would I be standing here?"

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."

"There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side."

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."

"Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you're finished. "

"Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."

"Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. "

"We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt then things get worse."

"It's always darkest before dawn So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. "

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office"

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. "

"If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?"

"You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark? "

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,dishonesty is the second-best policy."

mayur47 · « **Reply #1 on:** October 27, 2008, 02:02 AM »

" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark."

"Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf."

"An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing."

"Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do?Turn out the lights! "

"I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier."

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

"Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."

"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. "

mayur47 · « **Reply #2 on:** December 05, 2008, 12:59 AM »

DEDICATED TO ALL SOFTWARE ENGINEERS

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, an Electrical Engineer, a Chemical Engineer
and a Software Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.

The car broke down.

The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke. We can check the
rods."

The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't
think it's getting gas. We shall check the gas tank."

The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something
is wrong with the electrical system. We shall check the circuitry."

All three turned to the Software engineer and said, "What do you think?"

--

--
--

--

--

--

The Software Engineer said, "We shall get out of the car and get in
Again."[/size]

mayur47 · « **Reply #3 on:** December 05, 2008, 01:09 AM »

Love Affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either.
The trouble with being a good sport is, you have to loose in order to prove it.
An optimist: A man who gets married when he's seventy-five and then looks for a house near a school.

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Divorce : Future tense of marriage

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO,Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Name the 3 fastest means of communication?
Telephone, Television and Tell-a-woman! [/color]

mayur47 · « **Reply #4 on:** December 05, 2008, 01:19 AM »

Sardarji

Sardar: I haven't slept all night in the train.
Friend: Why?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Why didn't u exchange?
Sardar: Oye! There was nobody to exchange in the lower berth.

A Sardar went to a bank to open a S.B. A/C.
After seeing the Form he had gone to Delhi for filling it up.
You know why?
Form said:'Fill Up In Capital.'.

Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth.
Why?
Because his doctor advised him:
'Today's dinner should be light !'

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.
You know why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking.

Santa! Your daughter has died!
Depressed, Sardar jumps from 100th floor.
At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!
At 25th floor he remembers I'm unmarried!
At 10th floor he remembers I'm Banta not Santa!

On a romantic date sardars girl friend asks him:
'Darling ! On our engagement will you give me a ring?'
He said: 'Sure ! What's your phone number?'

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever.
What will come first, chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a
cricket match.
All were busy writing except one Sardarji
He wrote:'Due To Rain, No Match!'

What does a sardar do after taking a Xerox?
He will compare it with the original for any spelling mistakes.

Why can't sardars dial Nine-Eleven (911) at emergency?
They cannot find the eleven on the phone.

Sardar and his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Sardar: Drink quickly.
Wife: Why?
Sardar: Hot coffee Rs 5 and cold coffee Rs 10

Sardar at an Art Gallery : I suppose this horrible looking
thing is what you call modern art?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!

Sardar news: A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in
punjab. Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are
still digging for more.

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
Man says 'Chin Yu Yan' and dies.
Sardar goes to China to find meaning of friends last words.
It is 'You are standing on the oxygen tube!'

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
Wife: What you are doing?
Sardar: I am seeing how I look while sleeping

Ammiddeon · « **Reply #5 on:** August 23, 2009, 06:04 PM »

When the money is in your account.

Example: You start the year with 100,000. At the end of the year, if you have 277,000 in your trading account and 28,500 of it is open equity from a Coffee position, the IRS is going to tax you on all 177k of the money it considers yours

Funny Quotes and Thoughts