My grandpa likes to send me funny jokes so I thought I'd share.

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High Urinals

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A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
 

Some people just don't appreciate artistic works.

Well, the Church ladies removed my cookies from the bake

sale..... again!

I don't know what their problem is -- I just used
a dog bone cookie cutter...
...cut them in half, and decorated them!

I thought they looked rather cute!!
They have no sense of humor.

Those cookies are awesome!

Blond and Football - I'm blonde and I think this is funny so don't shoot me anyone

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Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best -- because it makes
football make sense!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her
how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each other over 25 cents."  Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Hellooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Paraprosdokians This was one of my favorite emails

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Definition of "paraprosdokian":  "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

   "Where there's a will, I want to be in it,"  is a paraprosdokian.

   Ok, so now enjoy!


   1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

   2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

   3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

   4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

   5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

   6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

   7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

   8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

   9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

   10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

   11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

   12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

   13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

   14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

   16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

   17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way... So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

   18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

   19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

   20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

   21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

   22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

   23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

   24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

   25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

   26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

   27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

   28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

   29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

   30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


And, finally:

   "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

GOD CREATED CHILDREN even if you aren't religious this is still funny 
(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)


To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from
 the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own
children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was ' DON'T !'

'Don't what ? ' Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.

'Forbidden fruit ? 

We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit! '

' No Way! ' 'Yes way ! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit ! ' said God.

'Why ? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so !  God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was
not pleased ! 'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ' God asked.

'Uh huh,' Adam replied.

'Then why did you ? ' said the Father.

'Eve started it! ' Adam said.

'Did not ! '
'Did too ! '

'DID NOT ! '

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam
and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and
it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they
haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!

Blond In A Bar

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Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news   was on.  The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large   building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think   he'll jump?"
 
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the   blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."  Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
 
Homer took the money.

Assassin - love this one is for you

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The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,
there were 3 finalists;


Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door
and handed him a gun.


'We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances.


Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . .
Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'


The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5
minutes.


The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill
my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another.  They heard screaming, crashing,


banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat
from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.
'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

Amazing Story - Really heartwarming

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In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.  The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.


Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant...  Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.
                                                                     
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip  to Home Depot

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You're in the  middle of  some kind of project around the house -  planting a lawn, putting in a  new fence, painting the living room,  whatever.  You're hot and  sweaty, covered in dirt or paint.   You have your old work clothes  on. You know the outfit -  shorts with the hole in the crotch, old  T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.   Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you   realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help   complete the job.  Depending on your age you do one of the  following:


In your 20's:

Stop what you're  doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth,  floss, and put on clean clothes.   Check yourself in the mirror and  flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you  just might meet some  hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.   And you went to school with the pretty girl running the  register.


In your 30's:

Stop what you're  doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.   Change shoes. You married  the hot chick so no need for much else.  Wash your hands and comb your  hair.  Check yourself in the mirror.  Still got it.  Add a shot  of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the  register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.


In your 40's:

Stop what you're  doing.  Put on a sweatshirt that's long enough to cover the hole in the  crotch of your shorts.   Put on different shoes and a hat.   Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brut cologne is almost empty  so you don't want  to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.   Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.   The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and  you feel weird thinking she's spicy.


In your 50's:
 
Stop what  you're doing.   Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your  shirt.   Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in  your new sports  car.  Check yourself in the mirror and you swear  not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.   The  Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you  still have it.  Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's  Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'.


 
 

In your 60's:
 
Stop what  you're doing.  No need for a hat anymore.  Hose the dog doo-doo off  your shoes.  The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.   You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your  pants.  The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have  your glasses on so you're not sure.


In your    70's:


Stop what you're doing.   Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions  ready too.    Don't even notice the dog  doo-doo on your   shoes.  The young thing at the register smiles at you because you  remind her of her grandfather.


 
 

In your    80's:


Stop what you're doing.   Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you needed to  go to Home Depot.  Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to  think what it is you're looking for.  Fart out loud and you think someone  called out your name.   You went to school with the old lady who  greeted you at the front door.

 


In your 90's &  beyond:


What's a home deep hoe?   Something for my garden?  Where am I?  Who  am I?   Why am I reading this?  Did I send it?  Did  you?   Who  farted?