What the hell is a " yummy tropical pussy," ?

I think it's my personal definition of a 'flounce'....

They just mocked my reading choices. 

I have to bear the burden of my close friends knowing that Fifty Shades was once a Twilight fanfic... and Oh, how they mock me... 

I got the last laugh because they PAID to read it.

A Slow Boil
I ddidnt flounce this. But I should have.
Creepy as f.u.c.k. Edward.

Asking her to kneel beside him while he eats! Wtf?

Maybe she kneels at his feet to hide the fact he was an absolute bore? Maybe the title stands for her kneeling to watch a large boil fester on his butt,? I'll never know because it had to be the most boring DomWard I ever read.
I mean, I know the writer kept insisting it wasn't a BDSM fic, but she's missing the fact that only the B stands for Bondage, and the rest of the letters represent factors in her story: Domination (Edward obvi) Sadism (as in forced humiliation by making her kneel at his feet like a servant/slave) and Masochism (as in Bella gets off on the fact he is treating her this way). Oh well, what's a bit of research when you can write pages of meal prep, maid duties and student life?

I was FORCED to stop reading it. ... because I fell asleep.
New Suggested Title: A Snore Bore.
Excerpt:
I gave him directions to my dorm as we entered the campus and we pulled up a couple of minutes later. As I unbuckled and reached down for my bags, Mr. Cullen asked me what time I'd be leaving for his place tomorrow.
'I usually leave around 12:30."
"Hmm. I can't pick you up then. Could you come out earlier?"
"I suppose I could. My last class ends at 11:30, but that doesn't give me much time for stopping by Southbay's."
"Tell you what, I'll pick you up here at 11:45. Leave the shopping to me tomorrow."
"Okay."
"Good. Let me get your door." He got out of the car and came around to my side, opening my door and extending his hand to help me out. With my bag over my shoulder and my laptop in the other hand, I let him help pull me up. His hand felt firm and warm as it closed around mine
"Goodnight, Mr. Cullen. Thanks for the ride home."
"Goodnight, Miss Swan," he nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow." I walked up the path to the dorm, taking one last look over my shoulder as I pushed open the front door. Mr. Cullen was waiting on the sidewalk until he was sure I'd made it inside the building. And they say chivalry is dead.

Well. something is... not alive certainly. Pages of pointless dialogue like the above, or her her daily duties, what she is cooking, wearing... and insipid 'inner hussy', while Edward stares at her like she is paint drying and compliments her cooking. Oh nooos the big Cliffy in Chapter 6! No pony tails!?! GASP! !!!!!!!

There was zero chemistry, except maybe when she baked and the yeast had to be activated. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a chapter of them watching the bread rise.
Edward: Knead at my feet!
Bella: Gosh golly! My inner hussy wants a yeast infection!
Me: zzzzzzz

griddy

I kept thinking it would get better, there must be something to all of this. But no.
She still calls him Mr Cullen when she is working.

I said this on the other thread, there is a joke around about this:
if a rich man is spanking you it's 50shades, if it is a poor man it's abuse.

Haaaaaaa!
I want to write that fic!
 
Trailer Park Eddie with his flyswatter, smacking flies off Bellz Wide Load while she hollers for a dollar!
Eddie: "Wake up thar,  Bellz. Take out yer false teeth. They make you snore and I gotta hankerin' You better make it fast cuz I'm gassy from your sketti."
From the next room, Bellz shouts: "Who are you talkin' to in thar, Edz? Your Momma back from the NASCAR already? She better not be huffin gas in there agin. We just got rid of the burnt marks off the head board"
Eddie grumbles to himself. "Quit blamin' Momma. We all know it's from you and that damn sketti you keep feedin' me. He turns on his flashlight and eyes reflect back in the dark. "Dammnit Bellz. I told you to leave this damn overfed and balding pitbull at the side of the road! Get me my flyswatter, Wooooman!"
"I did leave it right by where we like to be mudbuggin with your assorted relatives. What a second. Where's our little 'un, Emmutt?"
"He runned oft with his Aunt-sister, Rose. Maybe we should make a new one."
"You better start saving up now. You and yer Daddy-brother still owe me a dollar from last time. If you don't pay me agin, I'm putting hot sauce in my cootch."
"Nevermind. Just get me the peanut butter jar and close the damn door. I'll take care of meself."

Haaaaaaa!
I want to write that fic!
 
Trailer Park Eddie with his flyswatter, smacking flies off Bellz Wide Load while she hollers for a dollar!
Eddie: "Wake up thar,  Bellz. Take out yer false teeth. They make you snore and I gotta hankerin' You better make it fast cuz I'm gassy from your sketti."
From the next room, Bellz shouts: "Who are you talkin' to in thar, Edz? Your Momma back from the NASCAR already? She better not be huffin gas in there agin. We just got rid of the burnt marks off the head board"
Eddie grumbles to himself. "Quit blamin' Momma. We all know it's from you and that damn sketti you keep feedin' me. He turns on his flashlight and eyes reflect back in the dark. "Dammnit Bellz. I told you to leave this damn overfed and balding pitbull at the side of the road! Get me my flyswatter, Wooooman!"
"I did leave it right by where we like to be mudbuggin with your assorted relatives. What a second. Where's our little 'un, Emmutt?"
"He runned oft with his Aunt-sister, Rose. Maybe we should make a new one."
"You better start saving up now. You and yer Daddy-brother still owe me a dollar from last time. If you don't pay me agin, I'm putting hot sauce in my cootch."
"Nevermind. Just get me the peanut butter jar and close the damn door. I'll take care of meself."

How do I get alerts for this story lol??

A Slow Boil
Author: kts  PM
Bella's an exchange student hoping to find a job to keep herself employed for the summer so that she can stay on at an exclusive University. Her best job prospect is a part-time housekeeping position with one Mr. Cullen.
Follow/FavoriteRated: Fiction M - English - Romance/Humor - Bella & Edward - Chapters: 25 - Words: 83,904 - Reviews: 2,055 - Favs: 2,829 - Follows: 1,055 - Updated: 02-02-12 - Published: 06-04-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7052343


I ddidnt flounce this. But I should have.
Creepy as f.u.c.k. Edward.

Asking her to kneel beside him while he eats! Wtf?

Unfortunately I read this story. They only cook, eat, talk about food or buy food. And when his family arrived and he was talking to his brother it was like Edward was some creepy, 80 yo guy lusting after some teenager. He was 30 something and when they were talking it was like he was some old grandpa. And maybe there is something wrong with me but where the f.ck it was Romance/Humor? And when they had sex for the first time (chapter 18) he fucked her because it was too long when he was with woman the last time and in chapter 25 (epi in EPOV) we can read that she was a virgin. So she couldn't write it earlier? And the kneeling when he was eating. What was that about? This story is awful!

Baby Sitting by Teeny Tiny Twilight
Summary: Was a short story.Charlie leaves on official duty one night,and calls Officer Edward Cullen in to watch Bella incase of a problem. Love soon ensues. There will be lemons later. Lots of them. All Human. Can find this story in The Writer's Coffee Shop . com

You are not allowed to view links. Register or Login

I flounced this story after they had sex. I don't know how old is this author but who writes about two people having sex for the first time and Bella is a virgin and it is a.nal sex?
So in chapter 3 they had a.nal sex without preparation and also in chapter 3 after short nap they were already in love and they had normal sex. Can you imagine a.nal sex without lube and when you're a virgin? And between a.nal sex and vaginal sex he fucked her a few times with 3 fingers and she was still a virgin.

I sometimes read those stories and pretend they are parodies.

I flounced You are not allowed to view links. Register or Login by EdwardsBloodType.

Cute, trendy Bella returns home to escape the heartache of her past. She immediately befriends neighbors Jasper and Edward, bonding with them in the treehouse out back. Bella and Edward discover they have more in common than they ever dreamed of. AH A/U

Although I like the angsty storyline, the narration (?) is tiring. I skipped big parts of the story, mainly because you get the same events from two different pov's without any original details. The EPOVs seem rushed for tht same reason.

I've read so many fics that I just cannot remember all the ones I hated.  Lol.  I wish I had found this thread sooner!  My absolute biggest pet peeve is when the author says "for all intensive purposes" when they are trying to say  "for all intents and purposes".  I pretty much have to stop reading the fic at that point.  I mean, really?  Do you even understand what you are trying to convey?  Intensive purposes?  That makes no sense at all.  Drives me crazy!

Considering how easy it is to check these sayings and  spelling on the computer, it does make it easy to flounce these.

I especially love the ones that have reposted or edited or just had a beta go over the piece and the mistakes are just as awful or worse. 

Gotta love their dedication, though.   

Thank you for volunteering... but I don't know if I'll be able to keep away because I was thinking about it today. I think I'm sucked in.... arrrg!

Let me know what you think of 'cops in love'!

Officer Bella and Deputy Cullen might be a little 'too good to be true' in this, but I like the set up so far, and the romance is working for me.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

It has scored points with me so far because Bella has a kid that isn't perfect.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

I think writing about kids is one of the hardest things to do credibly: without rose-colored glasses or cutesie cliches. I have often groaned because I don't like how the kids are portrayed (and this is true for published fics, too). Too often they seem to be written as cool little adults, lisping Disney robots, or babies that conveniently sleep during the drama/sexcapades.

I remember this one story I really enjoyed, but cringed when I read DILFward was painting his bar one Sunday... with the help of his four yr old son. The little kid carries in two cans of paint.... I thought: this writer does not know kids.... or painting.    It was actually a great romance, but the author really got the age of the little boy wrong. He acted more like a ten to twelve yr old.... not four.

Does anyone have a story they liked, but thought the kids were too annoying or unrealistic? Or how about an unwanted pregnancy story, but a always happy and trouble-free baby brings Bella and Edward together?

luckyirishtart Not Going There

The kid actually interrupted some grown up time in this story. 

I enjoyed this one  a lot, the romance, the decade thing going on, the suspense, truly a good read.  Probably belongs in the rec thread, not this one.  If it was not mentioned here, I would have flounced it in the first couple chapters as it seemed rushed and not at all like it was going places.